Becoming whole
by Cats070911
Summary: The friendship between Sgt Havers and DI Lynley changes into something more.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note:** Elizabeth George and the BBC own these characters but I do enjoy borrowing them once in a while. My Tommy and Barbara are most definitely basedon the BBC series.

Detective Inspector Thomas Lynley and Sergeant Barbara Havers were huddled over the confused mass of papers spread before them on the floor of his apartment. The evisceration of an actress in the dressing room of a West End theatre had been particularly gruesome. The case was getting to them as they knew it had the hallmarks of a potential serial killer. They had worked on this for almost two weeks and although they had interviewed over twenty potential suspects and followed numerous leads they doubted they were any closer to solving it. Time was running out to find the murderer before he, or she, struck again.

"So we agree; Barton or Thornley are the two most likely suspects."

"Yes," Barbara answered, thinking how tired her boss sounded. His handsome patrician face was drawn and the frown lines were starting to become permanent. The soft folds of his hair had deepened into channels where he constantly ran his fingers through it. He was pushing himself too hard again. She could see the signs and was worried. He was still every inch the eye-catching aristocrat, holding himself straight and exuding a strength that Havers only ever saw in toffs. It used to annoy her beyond words and she had often wanted to scream at him to relax and take the rod out of his back and be human. But she knew after working with him for almost nine years that this _was_ him being human. He cared about the victim and the best way to show it was to find the perpetrator.

Lynley got up and strolled to his sideboard. Turning, he asked "Another drink?"

"No, I'm good Sir."

He sighed inwardly. She was sitting on the floor of his lounge room and still calling him "Sir". It annoyed him that she would never call him Tommy, even when they were alone. He realised it was just her way of ensuring everything stayed professional and grounded in her own reality. She still struggled with the fact he was Lord Lynley, 8th Earl of Asherton, but at least after working together so long she no longer resented him for it; just as he had adjusted to her sometimes puritanical version of working class ethics.

"But both can account for where they were when she was murdered and we have no way to link them to the crime scene." He almost spat the words in exasperation.

"Let's go over it again Sir, we _must_ have missed something."

An hour later as the clock approached Thursday Barbara moved to the couch. She was trying desperately to stay awake because she knew he would not sleep and she felt obliged to run the course with him. She refused to let him think she was the weaker link in their partnership. Even after so long together she felt she needed to prove herself to Tommy, for in her head he was always Tommy.

Tommy glanced over and knew Barbara was out on her feet. She had barely any sleep last night and now was trying her hardest to stay awake. _Be fair, she needs to sleep,_ he chastised himself. He knew he should send her home but it was too late really to trust a cab and he had drunk a few too many whiskies to drive. She had stayed before when they were working late on cases so tonight would be no different.

"Ok Barbara, let's take a break and just think about it for a while," he said gently.

"Righto Sir," she almost sighed with relief.

"Are you cold? I'll go and fetch some blankets." Tommy got up and went upstairs. He figured he would put a blanket over her then go to bed. They could continue in the morning. When he got back Barbara was snoring gently. She looked so peaceful that he wanted to stay and listen to the rhythm of her breathing rather than go upstairs to his room to be alone with his thoughts and memories. He laid the blanket over her and sat on the floor beneath where she was curled and draped the rest of the blanket over his shoulders and arms and felt himself start to doze.

"No Tommy we don't have time for that," Barbara giggled, startling Tommy awake. He struggled briefly to gain his equilibrium. A quick glance at the box under the television told him it was almost 2am, so they must have been asleep for a bit over an hour. Then it struck him – she had called him 'Tommy', that was what had disturbed him. He had rarely heard her say that before but he liked it - if only she would call him that when she was conscious. He was also quite curious what they didn't have time for in her dream.

Then she said it again but more insistently this time, "Tommy, we _don't_ have time!"

Lynley suddenly leapt up pulling the blanket and shaking Barbara awake. "Barbara, Barbara you are right – Thornley didn't have time to get back to the theatre!"

He was so happy to finally have a lead he could have kissed her. Well actually that was probably an excuse, he had wanted to kiss her for weeks, and months even. They were friends and in a good place right now. Things were calm between them, well relatively anyway, and he knew she would freak out completely at the thought that he was even considering something more.

They spend the rest of the night careful tracing Thornley's movements from witness statements and comparing them to his statement. If what he said was true then he had less than five minutes to make it from his home near Grosvenor Square to the theatre in Aldwych on foot, which would be impossible. It would take about half an hour to walk and even if he ran it would still take too long. They took the Bristol and drove the route looking for possible short cuts or places that he could have been picked up in a car. By 6 am they were in the office trolling through CCTV footage looking for traces of him and found none. But they did find him entering the theatre an hour before; it appeared he never left. Why didn't anyone notice this before? Lynley was fuming that it had been missed but agreed with Barbara that it was more important that they knew it now. By noon Thornley had been arrested and charged. By the evening, after being confronted with the facts and being outsmarted by the two detectives at every turn in the long interrogation, he finally confessed to the murder.

Lynley and Havers left the interview room and she slumped against the door in relief. They had done it again; found the killer in a case many had given up hope of ever solving. She knew from the look on his face he was also relieved and proud. His public school upbringing often made him look superior. Those who did not know him as well as she did would assume his face showed arrogant self-satisfaction and too much belief in his abilities. She knew however how insecure in himself he was underneath that stiff upper-class lip but he did have a talent for policing that exceeded any other officer she had ever met. His instincts constantly amazed her and she knew his expression was a passion for justice for victims and pride in being able to put Thornley away for a very long time.

He looked at her and smiled. As with most cases she had been vital in ferreting out the answer even if this time it came from whatever she was dreaming about him. His curiosity piqued again but he knew better than to spoil the mood by asking. Instead he simply said, "Fancy a pint and something to eat? The paperwork can wait until tomorrow."

Half an hour later they were sitting in the local pub. As usual Barbara ordered a bowl of chips and smothered it in tomato sauce and salt. Lynley looked at it in mock disgust reminding her, yet again, that she should look after herself better. "If you have a heart attack, how am I going to find the bad guys Havers?" It had become a standard line over the years and was always answered by Barbara shrugging and pulling a face at him.

Over the chips and two pints they went over the case and interview again, basking slightly in the pleasure of how they had caught Thornley. Barbara yawned and Tommy knew it was time to call it a night. He would desperately like to ask her back to his house but that would seem odd to her and tonight was definitely not the night to make declarations of undying love. A strange look came over her face and at first he thought his face must have betrayed his thoughts.

"What's wrong Barbara?" he asked alarmed.

"Oh nothing really Sir, but I can't remember where my car is."

Tommy laughed, partly with relief but also because it summed up the craziness of the last few days. He stood up and moved around behind her. His right hand was on her shoulder before he was aware of it and he bent down briefly and gently kissed the top of her head and reminded her ,"I picked you up on Tuesday morning from your place. I'll drive you home."

"It's ok Sir, I can take a cab."

"No Havers, I need to know you make it home safely, I'll drive." From his tone Barbara knew not to argue and so grabbed her coat and smiling softly said, "Thanks Sir that would be great."


	2. Chapter 2

It was nearly eight o'clock on Friday morning and Barbara was already in the office sorting through the paperwork. This was the worst part of the job and when Tommy walked in about fifteen minutes later she was grateful for the interruption.

"Come through to my office Havers, when you have a moment." It was Tommy using his most formal Lord Lynley voice. She glanced at Winston but he just raised his eyebrows. He had no idea what it was about either. Barbara wondered for a moment if she had done something wrong but could not see how. They had parted on good terms last night when he dropped her home.

"Ok Sir." She followed him into his office. He waited and then shut the door behind her. "Oh God," she groaned inwardly, "there is something wrong."

"What's wrong Sir?" she ventured.

"Wrong? No, no there's nothing wrong Barbara." His voice was softer and slightly confused. "Sorry I must have sounded a bit hard, did I?"

"A bit."

"I didn't sleep again; nightmares and then I stayed up pacing."

"The case? I'm sorry. Why didn't you call me? I would have come over."

"No, not the case." Barbara understood instantly that his memories had been troubling him.

"I still would have come over if you needed me."

Tommy nodded. He had been tempted to call her, or to drive back to her flat and knock on the door. He had done both many times before when he struggled with the memories of Helen and the shooting. After she died he had disappeared into a haze of alcohol and self-pity. Barbara had always been there when he needed it whether; just holding him while he cried or telling him to pull himself together. She always knew exactly what to say.

He shrugged, "You were tired Barbara, the last thing you needed was me feeling sorry for myself." He sounded a bit better now.

"Yes but you were just as exhausted. If you needed me I would have been there".

"I know Barbara, thank you." Tommy smiled and gently squeezed the top of her arm before he moved around his desk and sat down. There was an awkward silence and Barbara wondered whether she should stay or leave. "Was there anything else Sir?"

"Yes actually, do you have any plans for tomorrow afternoon that you can't change?"

_Tomorrow afternoon?_ Barbara was puzzled. It was a Saturday and they were both on call but with the case closed she had only planned to take some of the dreaded paperwork home and do her washing. Not exactly tasks she relished and could not give up for something more interesting.

"No... No not really, why?"

"Is the blue suit you wear to court clean?"

'Yes!" what a strange question. "I am not in the habit of wearing dirty clothes Sir."

"No, no of course not. I'm sorry I didn't mean to imply that; I am a bit behind in my domestics over the last couple of weeks and thought you might be too. Can you wear that then? I will pick you up at 14:30."

"Care to tell me where we are going Sir?

"No not really." Tommy was clearly embarrassed. "It is Asherton business but I would really like you to come with me. It's only about an hour and besides I think it will amuse you."

"Sir, you know I'm not comfortable with that side of your life. I don't fit in with your friends. They make me feel … uncomfortable," Barbara protested. She wanted to say inadequate but she knew he would huff and puff about it too much if she did. _But why did he look so embarrassed?_

He rose and came around the desk and sat on the edge facing her. This was an argument he knew he was always going to have with her. The class difference of their birth mattered far more to her than to him. He realised that this was the main reason he had not told her how he felt about her. He was so tempted to just grab her and kiss her and show her how little he cared about all that nonsense; to tell her he only cared about her and how she felt about him, not about her background. But he didn't really know how she felt about him and knew she would think he was just asserting his 'natural right to rule'. He thought at times he could tell but when she arced up about his background he was uncertain; surely if she loved him their differences should not matter to her either.

She went to speak but when he looked her straight in the eyes her argument was silenced. She didn't recognise what she saw – was it pleading? She could not say no. "Ok, but promise me you won't let me make of fool of you," she said accepting her fate. "Or me." she added hastily.

His face lit up with a broad grin and Barbara felt her heart begin to effervesce. She liked it when she made him happy. Whatever tomorrow was she had probably endured worse. At that time of the day and needing a suit it did not sound like she needed to remember which knife and fork to use first. She could not help but grin back at him but she would much prefer he just told her what torture he had planned.

"Also Havers you are not eating properly," he stated grimly.

"Oh no," she thought, "I am going to have to eat with them."

"So I am going to cook for us both tonight. Come around about 19:00." It was almost an order.

_Why tonight? _It was her favourite TV show tonight and she had planned to just veg out in front of it.

"I know your favourite show is on," he said grinning "so we can eat and then watch that if you like." She wondered if he was reading her mind now. All her excuses were vanishing and she liked the idea of having company. She was about to say yes when Winston popped his head through the door. He needed her help interviewing a teenage runaway that had just been brought in.

"Ok, 19:00 it is," she said glancing at Tommy before she left. He looked pleased.


	3. Chapter 3

The damned car was going to have to go! It had failed her once too often lately and now she was running late for dinner. She contemplated just ringing and telling Tommy she could not make it tonight but she knew that he would only come over and get her anyway. So she called a cab and arrived about five minutes late.

Tommy had being peeking out of his window every few minutes since a quarter to seven. Barbara was rarely late so he was worried when she was not actually early. Perhaps she had changed her mind. When the cab pulled up he was briefly puzzled, but relieved to see it was Barbara paying the driver. He hurried back to the kitchen and threw a tea towel over his shoulder so that when he opened the door she would assume he had been preparing the meal and not pacing his lounge room.

Barbara had seen the curtains fall back into place as she stepped from the cab. _So he had been worried I would not turn up_; a_s if I wouldn't have phoned_. She rang the bell and when she did not hear footsteps in the hall knew he was standing behind the door carefully counting to a discrete number before opening the door about…now.

"Evening Sir."

"Good evening Barbara, I'm glad you came. Come in. Make yourself at home," he said leading her into the kitchen. She had been in his kitchen many times but was a little surprised he had not gone to the lounge room. But she preferred this informality and felt herself relax a bit.

"What would you like to drink?"

She did not like wine but over the years had developed a tolerance for it; if she had a choice she preferred a beer. "Any chance of a lager Sir?"

"Yes of course Barbara. Grab one for me too please, third shelf in the fridge," he said as he turned back to check a pot boiling on the stove.

Barbara smiled to herself. The dining table had not been set so he was cooking something fairly casual. He was trying almost too hard to make her feel comfortable. He had been so considerate lately she was beginning to wonder what was up. Since when did he accommodate her so much rather than tell her she was being stupid? Although, he had still ordered her to accompany him tomorrow so it was not all smooth sailing. She wondered idly if she could weasel where they were going out of him sometime tonight.

"So are you just here to look good or are you going to hand me that beer?" His voice cut through her thoughts and brought her back to reality.

"Oh sorry Sir," she said extending the beer towards him.

"And I know I keep asking Barbara but can we cut the 'Sir' business out tonight please? If you can't bring yourself to call be Tommy, perhaps call me nothing."

"Ok 'Nothing' but if I were you I'd prefer Sir," she retorted cheekily.

He turned and stared and they both laughed. He grabbed the kitchen towel and flicked her across her tail. She looked nice tonight in her jeans and boots and the green of her shirt highlighted her eyes beautifully. He turned back to the stove fighting the urge to sweep her into his arms. It may have been the right time and mood but he could not risk it. Besides he was hungry, and not just for Barbara.

He seemed to do everything so effortlessly, even cooking. She struggled to prepare toast but here he was making his own pasta sauce. She helped him pull of the leaves from the basil sprigs as he cut up the tomatoes and put them into his food processor. A quick whiz, some garlic, a dash of white wine, some olive oil, and a teaspoon of sugar and some salt and pepper and it was done. He drained the pasta and stirred in the sauce and transferred it to the bowls and grated some parmesan over them.

"Voila!" he said triumphantly, 'Dinner is served. Let's eat in front of the TV."

She took her bowl and went into the lounge and hesitated unsure where to sit. Tommy placed the garlic bread he had been heating in the oven on the coffee table then sat on the sofa and reached for the remote. He patted the sofa next to him to indicate where she should sit while he flicked over to the news. It was still half an hour before her show started and the news was probably something that both of them would be interested in watching. Barbara liked his television. It was a big LED model with terrific sound and HD quality pictures. She was still operating an old analogue model with a set-top box._ I must look at getting one of these, it is so much clearer._

The pasta was delicious and Barbara realised just how hungry she had been when she finished hers and noticed Tommy still had half a bowl left. "So you enjoyed it then?" he asked amused at how fast she had eaten it.

"Yes, I did" she answered with more gusto than she intended. He was a very good cook.

It was not long before he finished and they took the bowls out to the kitchen and she watched fascinated as he packed all the utensils and pots and pans fastidiously into the dishwasher. It was almost time for her show and he hunted her back to the lounge with the promise of catching up in a minute.

She sat on the couch in the same place. She debated sitting at the other end of the couch but felt that might look rude. She was glad she had when he returned with a tub of chocolate gelato and two spoons. She looked around for bowls before realising he intended them to share out of the tub. She was bemused - his Lordship sharing his food. But he shared her chips and other things when they went out so it probably was not all that unusual.

Tommy found the TV vaguely annoying. He had no idea who the characters were and did not care. The gelato was good and Barbara seemed unperturbed sharing it with him. As she focussed on the TV he was able to focus on her. She had moved her feet up under her and was leaning slightly into him to reach the gelato. He liked having her close and edged the gelato a little further to his left away from her so that she had to follow. She was nestled against him by the time the tub was empty and he thrilled at the feel of her so close. Had she noticed or was she so engrossed in the show? He had started to watch and listen a little. The lead character was a detective, but an old fashioned one with a dumb side kick who followed around fawning after him. _Thank goodness Havers and I don't behave like that! _The storyline was loose and the criminals implausible. It was the son who had murdered his mother Lynley worked out in the first fifteen minutes.

He lifted his right arm and stretched it along the back of the sofa. Barbara was still touching him and had not moved away as he had half expected. After about five minutes he let his hand fall softly onto her shoulder. He held her next to him, wondering how she would react. There was no attempt to retreat and so he moved his head over to lean tenderly on hers. _Now this will seem odd._ So he whispered, "You do know who did it, don't you?"

"Yes of course, the son."

He chuckled quietly then on impulse kissed the top of her head before going back to leaning his head on hers. Any minute he expected her to shift position of out his arms but she stayed still until the show ended.

Barbara felt good. She had not really noticed how close they were until he put his arm around her shoulder. She was not quite sure how to react but did not want to read too much into it either. He had put his arm around her before a few times and it seemed natural in some ways. Even the kiss on her head seemed more friendly and companionable than anything else. She put her arm across him and nestled into this shoulder even more hoping it was not too forward. But Tommy did not baulk and while he was not moving, neither was she. She was sure this was not heading where she sometimes fantasised their relationship might go, but right now, whatever it was, she could just enjoy it and just go with the flow.

The remote was on the arm of the sofa next to Tommy and after the show finished, he thought Barbara was asleep. Her arm had slipped across his waist about fifteen minutes ago and it had taken all his willpower not to pull her up into his arms and race her upstairs to his bed. He flicked off the television and sat there in the dark savouring the feel of her snuggled into to him. She was breathing softly and having her here like this calmed his mind. He wanted to lean down and kiss her but that would break the spell so instead he just kissed her gently on the head again and whispered, "I love you Barbara. I just wish I knew how to tell you." She stirred, almost imperceptibly tightening her grip and he feared she may have heard him. He expected her to roar up and protest and tell him how he was ruining everything but she did not move again and he relaxed.

Barbara had heard him of course. She was not asleep and now doubted she could sleep. He had said he loved her. _What did that mean? _She knew he loved her in a way, as a friend, as she loved him._ Did he feel more?_ She had wanted him for ages but knew it was never going to happen. His friendship and what they had meant more to her than anything and she couldn't endanger that. Nor did she want to end up as one of his conquests just because he was lonely. He had not spoken about any women lately. Not that he detailed his exploits but she knew he dated women from the right social set. After Helen died he had made some poor choices searching desperately for some connection with people. He needed to feel something but each time just made him lonelier and more isolated. _I am not his type._ They would never be compatible as a couple so he could not mean that. _He just seems calmer and more tranquil lately. It must be that he has realised how important our friendship is to both of us and how much I helped him in the last twelve months._ It tugged at her in a way she did not expect. She wanted to leave but she could not tear herself away. This might be all she ever had but she could simply just choose to enjoy being so close to him; he would never suspect.

Tommy slept so well that he was surprised to see it was nearly seven o'clock. He was now lying on the sofa and Barbara was lying in front of him. _How had that happened?_ His arm was draped over her and she was holding onto his hand. _If only we could wake up like this every day. _He moved slightly and realised his back was sore. _Like this, but perhaps in a bed!_

Barbara started to wake and he gently let go of her hand in case she freaked out. _What will happen now? Will the daylight make this unbearably embarrassing for both of us?_

"Morning sleepyhead," he said softly. He decided to go on the offensive, "That was the best night's sleep I have had in months. Thank you for staying."

It was the truth too. He had not had any nightmares or dreams and he felt remarkably fresh. His heart was pounding and he realised that he had better move away from her in case she noticed he was having impure thoughts.

"It's er, ok Sir." Barbara didn't know quite what to say or do either. She too feared that this was going to be horribly awkward. So she stood and said, "I think I might just use your bathroom." and left the room without looking at him.

When she returned he was in the kitchen making coffee. Wordlessly he handed her a cup and she smiled her thanks.

"So are you still picking me up at 14:30?"

"Yes, I hope so." His smile was slightly wicked.

She noticed the morning paper on the bench and started to read. Soon they were chatting about the news and the reporting of Thornley's arrest. They were relieved that everything seemed normal between them but both knew that at some point they were going to have to talk about last night. Now was not that time.

Lynley offered for Barbara to shower but she preferred to go home. He showered quickly and then drove her back to her apartment. He waved cheerily as he drove off promising to see her in a few hours.


	4. Chapter 4

Judith had been waiting in the restaurant about ten minutes when Tommy arrived. He was dressed immaculately in a finely cut grey suit; a wool and cashmere blend she presumed. Her brother was not as strikingly good looking as he had once been but he had morphed into an elegance and maturity that she knew women found almost irresistible.

"Tommy, you look splendid," she said lightly as he came over to her table.

He kissed her briefly and greeted her just as eagerly, "Judith, it's great to see my favourite sister. Thank you for coming."

"I am your only sister, Tommy."

He shrugged and grinned at her. Judith knew instantly something was different. Tommy was much lee tense and, dare she think maybe even happy. He had been miserable for the last few years. She noticed it first when his marriage to Helen was difficult and it worsened when she lost the baby in such tragic circumstances and had left him. Even when they had started getting back together he never seemed content. When Helen was shot down in front of him Tommy had spiralled into a miasma of despair. This is a good sign; he might be starting to live again. She wondered idly if there was a woman involved.

"So, you seem cheerful. What gives?"

"Nothing really, I have had a good few days. Barbara and I solved the theatre murder case on Thursday. And I have slept a lot better in the last few day – no nightmares."

"Good, I'm glad to hear it Tommy." His tone had suggested no further explanations would be forthcoming so she changed tack, "Mother sends her love and wants to know when you are coming down to see her?"

"I have some time off next weekend and I was thinking we could head down there. I was going to ask her later and then ring Mother. I'm sure she won't mind."

Judith was a little confused. _Who wouldn't mind? Mother or 'her' and who was 'her'?_ He was being vague but it did not seem deliberate, more distracted as if he had something else on his mind. She wasn't sure whether to ask who or not. It did not seem like a naughty schoolboy guessing game. She was sure it would come out eventually. "Mother will be delighted."

"I've asked Barbara to come this afternoon."

"Wonderful, I like Barbara. She was so good to you after, well you know, when you weren't so well. She used to ring Mother almost every day when you wouldn't speak to us. She wanted to make sure we didn't worry any more than we needed to."

"Oh, I didn't know that. I didn't realise you had all grown so close!" Tommy was momentarily angry that everyone had conspired beyond his back.

"She was very protective of you, you know – like a polar bear protecting her cub. I think she knew when you wanted us kept away and when you didn't. Don't be angry at her."

"No, sorry." Tommy was not really angry he realised, more embarrassed. He knew Barbara had been the only one he had wanted near him in those dark days; the only person he really could be himself around. Even then he had abused her, pushed her away and then rung up desperately needing her to save him from his demons. "I'm not angry with anyone except myself."

The waiter came and took their order and over lunch they talked about the estate and other family business but his conversation kept returning to Barbara in some way. Judith did not think this was overly unusual. He had talked about her a lot over the years since they had started working together. At times she seemed to infuriate him; at other times Judith would swear he was in love with Barbara. Today she was definitely in favour. She suspected Barbara was to be their visitor next weekend.

At about one thirty Tommy and Judith left the restaurant. He needed to pick up Barbara and he wanted to be slightly early so he could ask her down to Howenstowe next weekend.

"I'll see you there then." Judith said as she entered the cab. "Who will I tell Mother to expect next weekend then?"

Tommy was puzzled. _Who did Judith think it would be?_ "Barbara of course, we could do with some time away from London."

"Ok, see you in an hour Tommy." She waved as the cab pulled away.


	5. Chapter 5

Tommy had caught a cab to meet Judith and he hailed another to take him to pick up Barbara. He had considered the car but with so many different things to do today parking would be too hard.

She was ready when he rang her doorbell. In truth she had been ready for nearly an hour. If only she knew where they were going she might have been able to calm down. _Do I dress the suit up or down?_ He had said "the suit you wear to court" so she presumed he wanted a more formal look. _So what shoes do I wear?_ Pumps were probably better than the flats she wore to court but nothing too flashy. _Who am I kidding?_ She did not have flashy shoes. In the end she settled on low, comfortable black pumps with matching black belt and a white shirt that under her blue suit jacket that was a little softer than the ones she used for court. She thought about some sort of bright necklace to hang around her neck. She needed something to lift it but again decided against anything that might make anyone look twice at her. She had a small necklace that would go under the blouse and discretely distract from the bareness of her neck. _That will do._

When she opened the door she was almost blown away. He looked magnificent. His suit was flawless and his smile complimented it perfectly. She suddenly felt very frumpy.

"Barbara, you look great." He seemed enthusiastic and genuine.

"No I don't," she contradicted, "I look like, like the same old Sergeant Havers I always look like."

He sighed. She didn't see what others saw in her but he would change that, slowly but he would change it. "Well Sergeant shall we go?" he asked extending his arm and giving her his special DI 'don't argue now Havers' look.

In the cab he ignored her questions about destination and what they were doing this afternoon. They chatted about different things and he mentioned he had had lunch with Judith.

"She has invited us down to Howenstowe next weekend for a quite family weekend. I thought it might be nice to get away seeing we have a few days off in our shift roster."

"But Sir you said family weekend. Your family don't want me tagging along." Barbara would actually have liked to go and see them but it would seem a bit odd if it was only family.

"Don't be ridiculous Barbara," Tommy said. He had anticipated protest but was having none of it, 'I understand you and my mother became quite close over the last year so she will be delighted to see you. And I wouldn't have asked if I hadn't wanted you there would I?"

"No."

"So?"

Barbara sighed audibly the asked, "Are we driving down on Thursday night after work or Friday morning?"

"Excellent." Tommy suddenly had a mischievous thought. "Friday morning but I want to leave before the peak hour. You had better stay at my place on Thursday night."

Again he expected protest but Barbara simply nodded. _Hmm, I might be making progress. _He noticed that the cab was almost there. "By the way do you prefer Abba or Queen?" Tommy asked, completely out of context.

"Er, I guess it depends; probably Abba. Why?"

"Just wondering."

Barbara thought he was mad but the cab had pulled up at the rear of Trafalgar Square and now she was intrigued. _What business does he have around here?_

"Ok good we have time," he said holding open the cab door for her to alight. He knew it was pointless offering his hand to help her. She alighted and stood as if to ask "what next'? He put his hand in the small of her back and gently steered her towards the entry of the National Portrait Gallery. Barbara barely noticed the hand but she groaned inwardly when she saw where they were heading.

"Am I getting a crash course in culture Sir? Because you can't teach me to fit in better with your lot you know?" she said in her loudest and strongest East End accent.

Tommy knew where she was going with this argument and simply laughed, "I would never dream of trying to change you Havers. It would be easier to relocate the moon!"

He had decided that his new rule, other than when it needed to be police protocol, was to call her Barbara unless she was being a reverse snob in which case she would be Havers. If he was really annoyed it would be Sergeant Havers. He knew she was smart enough to soon see the pattern.

Once inside Tommy took her hand and led her towards the second floor. She baulked slightly at his touch and he dropped her hand after about twenty feet so that she would just think he was guiding her, not that he was actually trying to hold her hand. Slowly, slowly get her more used to him casually touching her and she might not be as afraid when he eventually kissed her. He was lost momentarily thinking about that possibility when he realised she was talking.

"Sir, where are we going? We are blocking the passageway."

"Oh sorry, this way," he said and headed into a door marked 'Private'. They entered a room full of people milling around holding champagne flutes. Barbara instantly regretted agreeing to come then saw Judith across the room coming towards them. Judith kissed her and then exclaimed, "Oh Barbara it is wonderful to see you. You look so well; so relaxed. I said the same thing to Tommy over lunch. Solving murders must be good for you. So you are coming down this weekend I hope? Tommy and Mother are so looking forward to it."

"Yes, er yes so am I," was all Barbara could manage to reply. _Has she guessed something was going on?_ _But nothing is going on._ She pushed the thought from her mind and tried to focus on what she was doing here.

"I had better go," Tommy said and headed towards the front of the large room. It was then that Barbara looked around and noticed that a big dark curtain dominated the space, obviously hanging over something on the wall. There was a small dais in front of it and Tommy stepped up onto it with a small man with a 1920s style suit and handle bar moustache. _Oh how clichéd!_ A little bell rang and there was silence. Then the man started speaking about what a privilege it was for Lord Asherton to have loaned the Gallery such a valuable artwork from his personal collection.

_Ah so he is unveiling a piece of art. So why did he want me here?_

Tommy said a few words about the importance of art and the work of the Gallery and tugged an ostentatious gold cord. The curtain part in the middle and Barbara was awestruck. She was staring at a portrait of Tommy standing very formally in a morning suit with a hunting hound curled at his feet. It, he, was beautiful. It took her a few seconds to realise it was not actually Tommy. The man was older, probably about fifty and was slightly grey around the temples. He lacked the softness in his eyes that Tommy had and his nose was slightly broader. _So this is what he will look like in a few years; just as handsome as he is today_. She blushed at the thought.

Judith had heard Barbara gasp when the painting was revealed. She looked over and saw her reaction. Nothing was showing to the strangers in the room but Judith saw how Barbara had been unable to take her eyes from the painting and was flushed. Tommy had also looked at Barbara as he unveiled the picture. He knew she would be shocked by the likeness and he was electrified to see her response. She was still staring at it when he moved up quietly behind her. He wanted so badly to touch her but thought if he did his ancestor might leap out of the painting and strike him dead.

"So what do you think of my great-great-grandfather?"

"He's gorgeous!" Realising what she said she quickly added, "I am not really into art but wow, I am gobsmacked Sir. He's so... so realistic. The paint makes him almost shine and the brush stokes bring out his chin and the soft waves in his hair." She was rambling. _Shut up Barbara!_

"Yes a great artist captured it. The Gallery has wanted to display it for years but I was reluctant, for obvious reasons."

"But why?"

"Because I look so much like him. It's a bit embarrassing don't you think?" He grinned foolishly like a small boy. Barbara looked at him now for the first time since seeing the painting and smiled. He was self-conscious. She smiled at him and said, "I won't tell Winston or Lafferty unless you _really_ annoy me!"

They stayed at the Gallery for about an hour before Tommy suggested drinks. They went to a pub nearby but after the first round Tommy excused himself and left Barbara with Judith. They had strict instructions to wait there for him and not move while he ran an errand. When he returned he looked quite chuffed with himself and both Barbara and Judith wondered what he had been doing but neither asked, sure that it would be revealed.

A little after five Tommy turned to his sister and enquired, "So will you join us for dinner Judith?"

Barbara had been about to answer and protest that she did not want to intrude on a family dinner when she realised he had not addressed his question to her; he had asked his sister to join _them_. A bit presumptuous perhaps but she could not help but feel elated. She had, despite her reservations when she got to the Gallery, enjoyed her afternoon. She knew she would visit the Gallery more often now, just to visit one picture. It may not have been a portrait of Tommy but it was so beautiful and so like him in essence that she knew it would be a source of comfort to her.

Judith declined the dinner invitation. She knew from his tone that he had something planned and was only being polite by inviting her. She was pleased that something seemed to be brewing between Barbara and Tommy but she wondered if they even realised it yet.

They put Judith into a cab Tommy took Barbara by the hand again to lead her through the crowd. This time he did not let go and she did not seem to flinch. When they reached the restaurant it was a quiet Spanish place with pictures of toreadors and Gaudi buildings on the walls. It was nothing overly special and Barbara was pleased that he had not booked the Savoy or somewhere else where she would feel uncomfortable. They were shown to a small table up the back. No one gave them a menu and she looked at Tommy thinking he would not be happy with such slack service.

"I pre-ordered; we are in a bit of a hurry," he said reading her mind. He was doing that a lot lately. Barbara was slightly disappointed assuming he must have something else on tonight but had felt obliged to have dinner with her. She was tempted to ask why but decided against it. The last few days had been so nice just spending time with him that she did not want to spoil it with some silly fight.

Dinner was the house "special paella" that Barbara found delicious. She soon forgot her hurt as they ate and talked about the painting and his family. She was fascinated to learn that his forebear, depicted so elegantly in the painting, had been a key figure in the abolition of slavery. That just seemed so much like something Tommy would have fought for that it made her smile. Dessert was a selection of small sweet treats and Tommy seemed anxious as he kept glancing at his watch. He paid quickly and said, "Come on we have to hoof it a bit, we should have off-loaded Judith a bit earlier."

"I can catch a cab by myself it I'm holding you up."

Tommy looked at her as if she had an alien growing on her forehead then laughed when he realised she thought he was going somewhere without her. "No Barbara, WE are running a bit late, not just me!"

They threaded their way through the backstreets and arrived in front of the theatre just off Leicester Square. People were starting to move in. She looked up and laughed when she saw the sign above the foyer –'Mama Mia'. _So this is why he asked about Abba_. Barbara had never been to the theatre before. She was unsure what to expect but she was pleased he had selected something she would like rather than an opera or ballet, which she imagined he would be far more at ease attending. She looked up and with genuine enthusiasm beamed at him, "Thank you Sir, this is a wonderful surprise."

Tommy felt his heart liquefy. He wanted to kiss her so badly he had to fight to control himself. Instead he smiled back and put his arm around her shoulder and squeezed. "You deserve a treat Barbara; I hope we have a wonderful night."

"How did you get tickets?"

He knew what she was hinting at. "You would be very proud of me. I ordered them through the half price last minute service. That's where I went from the pub, to pick up the tickets. And no, I won't let you pay for your ticket." His voice was kind but firm.

"If you're sure then." It was hard for Barbara to accept kindness but she was trying hard to be gracious. "Thank you."

Throughout the show Barbara rocked in her chair and virtually sang along. He had not seen her look that stress-free and cheery in ages; perhaps ever. He had expected to feel a bit uncomfortable. Romantic musical comedies were hardly his "thing" but he was enjoying it immensely, mainly watching how Barbara was totally immersed in the show. There were a few occasions where her arm was next to his on the armrest and he had taken her hand in his and held it gently. It never lasted long because she broke free to clap at the end of a number to jump about excitedly. He would forever treasure tonight seeing her so free of her usual inhibitions and hang-ups.


	6. Chapter 6

After the show they had to hold hands to not lose each other in the press of the exiting crowd. The line for taxis was so long they both looked at it and knew it was an impossible task.

"My place is closest," he said "we can walk in about half an hour."

"Ok by then we would only be about halfway up the queue."

Barbara was tired but liked that idea of walking and allowing the evening to extend just a little bit longer. It was only then she realised she was still holding his hand and that somehow they had intertwined their fingers. She let it go quickly hoping he had not thought she was being too forward. She did not want to spoil such a wonderful night. They walked in companionable silence for a while, punctuated by her repeated thanking of him for such a treat and talking about different scenes and how wonderful the show had been.

He noticed she dropped his hand but was not offended. He just relished her company when she was so free. He was not going to spoil it by making a fuss about anything. Tommy presumed she expected him to drive her home but he really did not want the night to end so when they arrived at his place he invited her in for a drink. Barbara felt the same way and so happily accepted his invitation. Once inside he slipped off his coat and tie and slung them carelessly over the armchair. He helped Barbara out of her jacket but hung it carefully on a hook in the hall, much to her amusement.

"What?" he looked at her confused as he undid the top few buttons of his shirt.

"Well you toss your very expensive coat over the chair and hang up my cheap one on a hook – you don't see the irony?"

He did but simply retorted, "I do not judge the importance of things by their cost Havers."

There was no rancour in his voice but Barbara had meant it as a bit of light hearted humour, not as a jibe. History, she knew, meant he was more likely to think she was having a go at his upbringing again. This could ruin the evening so she quickly backed down smiling, "I know, and I appreciate it, thank you Sir."

She had carefully avoided calling him anything all day but suddenly it was Sir again; perhaps in response to him calling her Havers. He needed to lighten the mood and say something witty. But what came out surprised even him. "Will you stay? I have enjoyed last night and today so much I don't want it to end."

He looked at her but could not read her thoughts. "I don't really want to be alone tonight." He cursed the last sentence. It sounded like emotional blackmail. She always came when he needed her. Tonight he wanted her to stay because she wanted to stay, not because she felt he needed her to be there.

A thousand thoughts flashed through Barbara's head. _Is he using me? Is it just because he is lonely?_ No they had had fun together and he was behaving in a way he hadn't for years. _Does he expect more? Am I the next conquest or search for affection?_ He wouldn't mistreat her she was sure; their bond was too strong. _What did he want? Can I give it?_ _Will I betray my innermost thoughts and ruin everything? No he said he needed her. He was afraid of the nightmares returning._

He caught her glancing at the couch. "I have a guest room you know. You don't have to sleep on that again if that's what's worrying you."

Barbara was relieved. Guest room implied this was just a continuation of today. He was lonely but not in _that_ way. She was slightly disappointed but reassured that whatever had changed in their relationship this week, it was not going to be an issue tonight. She also detected that he really was not as afraid of being alone as he made out either but she would let that slide. She did not want to protest too much nor agree too readily so she stalled a little by saying, "Can I borrow some pyjamas?"

He would have preferred to say that they would not be needed but he was astute enough to know not to push his luck. "Of course - they might be a bit big but we'll find something for you to wear."

They sat and talked for another hour or so before he realised they should retire and they moved upstairs. He was not going to spend another night on the couch no matter how tempting it was to be closer to Barbara. As promised he found a pair of clean silk pyjamas and took them across the hall to her room where she had been looking around thinking how his guest room was so much nicer than her own bedroom. When he handed them to Barbara she looked highly amused and handed back the pants, keeping the coat. "I think I would drown in the pants but I can roll up the sleeves and this will be perfect."

"Ok well," he said hesitatingly, "good night Barbara."

"Good night."

They were standing so close he caught his breath. He went to leave but instead bent down and gently kissed her on the forehead as ran his hand up and down her arm. He lingered just slightly longer than he should have before pulling away. He felt more than heard her sharp intake of breath. He did not know what she was thinking. _But this is not overly unusual behaviour given the day. I have not overplayed my hand._ He left and silently closed the door behind him.

When it closed Barbara leant her back against it and smiled. _Oh if only Tommy, if only._


	7. Chapter 7

Barbara was lying in bed thinking about the last few days. Tomorrow would be Sunday and she would need to return to reality but tonight she felt almost like a princess lost in her own private fairy tale. As her body heated up the pyjama top she could smell his scent over the fresh clean smell of the laundry. She felt something she had not felt for a long, long time – contentment.

The door creaked slightly as the light from outside poured through the crack. At first Barbara thought the morning had come too soon. It was then she realised Tommy had opened the door and was looking at her.

"You can come in," she said.

"Sorry I didn't mean to wake you."

"You didn't really. I was just thinking about what a lovely day I had."

He crossed to the bed and sat on the edge. She noticed that he was wearing the same pyjama pants that she had given back to him, with a simple grey tee on top. She felt an electric shock run from her neck down to her groin that scared her as much as it excited her. Sharing pyjamas seemed strangely intimate. _Did he want to feel as close to me as I did to him?_

"I just wanted to see if you were comfortable," he said somewhat lamely.

"What in this bed? You actually expect someone NOT to be comfortable?"

Tommy laughed and swung his legs up onto the bed so that he was half lying beside her. He had no set plan in mind but he knew he was not going to go back to his room tonight. He wanted to stay here with Barbara. He wanted her so much it ached but he had no intention of rushing things faster than she could cope. They might be able to curl up like last night; that would be good. If not then he could just stay here and watch her sleep.

"No but I like to ensure you feel welcome in my home." Was he really sounding as pathetic to her as he sounded to himself? He wanted to tell her that he never wanted her to leave but knew that would sound creepy. He needed to do this the right way. She was not used to being courted and certainly had a worse record with relationships than he did, which was no mean feat.

"I do, you know that. I'm here often enough," she laughed. Barbara sensed he did not want to leave. She was still following her rule from yesterday – just go with the flow – but common sense prevailed so she half scolded him, "You'll get cold; you had better get under the covers."

He obeyed eagerly but his movements were calm and smooth. He knew she was not going to send him back to his room now and a sense of serenity washed over him. He lay on his back and Barbara rolled onto her right side to face him.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Barbara asked in her best Sergeant Havers voice.

"Talk about what?" Tommy was unsure where this was heading.

"I don't know really but something is bothering you."

"Something is always bothering me Barbara. It seems to be the way my mind works. I can never seem to just be content with anything but the last few days I have felt freer than I have in years."

He turned to face her and said earnestly, "Thank you for that."

"I didn't do anything. "

"Yes, yes you did. You have looked out for me ever since our first case when you still thought I was an arrogant prig. "

"Oh have you changed?" Barbara was trying to lighten the mood.

"Ha ha. Yes, I have changed a lot since then. You've always stuck by me even when you should have just let me go and wallow in my own misery."

"I'd never do that. You're a brilliant detective and, well, a very caring man. You've helped me over the years too you know." She thought back to his many acts of kindness when her father died and when he had paid to have her flat painted. "Even when I didn't know I wanted it."

"We're both a bit out of synch with life aren't we?"

"Yeah, I guess, but we are who we are."

"True. I'd like to be happy Barbara, truly happy but I am not sure I know what would make me happy. I don't know if I've ever been happy."

It was sad to hear but Barbara understood exactly what he meant. She couldn't remember when she had last been really happy either. Perhaps before her brother got sick and died. "Maybe people like you and I are just not meant to be happy."

"Oh I hope that is not true", Tommy said sitting up to look at her. "That would not be fair and besides _you_ deserve happiness, but you might be right where I am concerned."

"You were happy though weren't you? When you were with Helen?" It was dangerous territory to move onto but Barbara felt he needed to talk about Helen.

"I don't really know. In a way Helen was my biggest failure. She was my best friend. She helped me understand why Deborah left me. I could tell her everything – about work, about Mother, about all the little bits of my life. But I mistook loving her for being in love with her and I made her miserable. I couldn't love her the way she needed me too and she couldn't love me the way I need to be loved. We couldn't really talk about things once we were married the way we had before. I couldn't talk about how confused and terrified I was because it would mean telling her that being with her made me miserable and I couldn't do that to her. We retreated into our own corners and never really came out of it."

"But you seemed to be a lot closer before she died. I thought you were over all that."

"In a way we were. I was trying so hard to be what she needed me to be. I had made a commitment and I wanted to make her happy. I really did. It was not her fault that I am incapable of loving others. But I wasn't really being true to myself. I felt so guilty when she died."

"It's not your fault you know."

"I know. But it was all about me then wasn't it? My sadness, my guilt and look at the damage it caused. It has always been about how I feel. Even poor mother, I wasted years hating her for what she did to my father but she was lonely and needed love and strength. We are not really that different and I hate myself for it, for all of it."

"Everyone grieves in their own way. Remember you told me how I was stronger after facing down that gun after I had been shot? Well you are stronger now too."

"But I am still broken Barbara."

She sat up slightly and reached over and hugged him to her. He returned the embrace and started to sob. Eventually he fell asleep with Barbara still soothing him.


	8. Chapter 8

Tommy was cooking eggs and Barbara was trying hard not to burn the toast. It was much more of a brunch than a breakfast but they didn't care. He had slept well again and felt better for their talk.

"Look about last night," he started, "I'm sorry to have spoilt such a superb day by being morose."

"You weren't morose." Barbara was glad she had been here. She knew he had felt guilty enjoying himself yesterday. "She wouldn't want you to mourn the rest of your life you know. It is okay to live your life."

He nodded and was about to say something when her phone rang.

"Havers," she spat into the phone. Talk about bad timing.

There had been a murder of an Earl at Harby, a little village in Leicestershire. She and Lynley were being despatched there today to help the local police because of his 'ability to understand the nuances of the situation'.

"Thanks Winston. I'll let his Lordship drive then, the car might impress them." There was a pause as Winston obviously made a crack. Barbara wanted to yell at him how wrong he was but instead forced a laugh and hung up with a promise to keep him informed.

With that Tommy's phone rang. He answered and because he had not heard the story was able to sound convincing as he asked the right questions. "Ok Winston have you rung Havers yet? Good alright I'll drive over then and pick her up in about an hour."

He rang off and looked over at Barbara who seemed lost in thought. He went over and hugged her then kissed the top of her head, "Thank you."

"Come on then Sir. We have to pack."

The conversation in the car was mostly about the case. Winston had emailed some initial crime scene reports and Barbara was reading them to Lynley as he drove. She cursed how contactable everyone was these days but on occasions like this she had to admit is was handy.

The conversation fell into silence for a while until Barbara spoke. She wanted him to understand she really did appreciate the effort he had made yesterday. "I never really thanked you for such a great weekend. I, I haven't enjoyed myself so much in ages."

He did not speak but looked over and gave her an enormous grin. He had enjoyed it too, even if he was now torn as to what to do next. He had been trying hard not to think too much about it fearing he might drive off the road. Their conversation last night had hit home. _What if I am doing it again and mistaking feelings of love for being in love?_ He did not want to hurt Barbara; especially not as he had hurt Helen. He saw her watching him. So she was thinking about last night too. He wondered what she really thought about him, about what was happening. _Surely it must seem odd to her to spend two nights the way they had?_ It seemed increasingly odd to him too but not something that he regretted and certainly his desire for Barbara, despite his confusion and guilt, had only increased.

This morning he had hoped they would spend today and possibly tonight together talking through where this was heading; and how they would manage work and his family next weekend. But work had been thrust back on them and suddenly they had to juggle being DI and Sergeant along with being Tommy and Barbara.

Barbara's thoughts were equally confused. She had secretly hoped that the last few days might have been leading somewhere new. But she also dreaded that thought. Things would change and they were comfortable where they were now. She was glad there was a new case and it might take away the growing anxiety she felt about going to Cornwall next weekend. She knew now that Tommy recognised the issues with Helen and understood he might transfer his affection to her the same way. She could see some of the same behaviours he had with Helen, when he had first chased her, reflected in his actions this weekend. Barbara had been caught up in the flow of it but she could manage him now that she saw it. They would never get involved she decided but just a sliver of her heart hoped that maybe it was different, that maybe this was real.


	9. Chapter 9

The case was easier than he had hoped. Barbara had a feeling from the moment she met the Earl's third wife that the woman was responsible. Tommy thought she was jumping to conclusions but he let her investigate further. Financial troubles and a dodgy younger lover proved to be the key and by Thursday they had wrapped up another case.

They had not had a lot of time alone. They worked late most nights and started early each day. Tommy had stayed in his room and she had stayed in hers. Things had gone back to the way they were last week and Barbara had come to believe that the weekend had just been a lovely diverting aberration that she could forever treasure.

"Do you need to go home to pack for Cornwall?" he asked as they were packing the car to head back to London, "I was thinking we could just drive cross country from here."

"Er, no as long as it is truly a casual family weekend. I don't have anything fancy with me at all." She had almost forgotten that she had agreed to go to Howenstowe this weekend.

"Well we were going to drive down in the morning so we can start tonight."

The drive from Harby was longer than he thought. It had sounded like a good idea but by ten o'clock he was starting to get too tired to drive safely. She was going to think this was a set up but he spoke anyway. "Barbara I'm getting very tired. Would you mind if we stopped the night somewhere?"

"No, of course, you look done in. Do we need to call you Mother? Was she expecting us tonight?"

"Good point but no, I had neglected to ring and let her know we would be early."

They pulled off the M5 at Gloucester and found a small hotel. Lynley insisted it was his fault so he was going to pay for their room.

"I am not a pauper Sir, I can pay my way."

"I know but you wouldn't have to pay if I hadn't been tired and we had just gone to London or stayed in Harby. We could economise and just get one room."

"Oh." That was a shock.

"Sorry Barbara that sounded terribly vulgar. I'm not trying to demean last week at all." He actually shuffled his feet and looked so embarrassed Barbara had to stifle a laugh.

"I think we should get two rooms Sir." She wondered instantly if she would regret that later tonight. "We are both tired and we need to talk about things."

"Ok, I am sorry."

"No need."

They had already eaten before they left Harby and so went up to their rooms on the first floor. Tommy wished Barbara sweet dreams and went into his room. Barbara sighed and entered hers which was next door. She was amused to see there was an interconnecting door between them. She knew he hadn't asked for it but wondered if the clerk had overheard their conversation.

She showered and changed and wondered what Tommy was doing. He had looked so forlorn and rejected when she insisted on separate rooms. She was worried he might pull back into his shell and paced the room trying to decide what to do. Eventually she unlatched the clip and opened the door her side and knocked lightly on the second dividing door into his room. Tommy opened it almost too quickly. He too had been pacing and thinking and was almost about to come to her when he heard the knock.

"Hiya," she said sheepishly, now wondering what to say next.

Tommy silently stepped into his room to allow her to pass. They looked at each other and saw the same confusion of thoughts. There was no seat in the room so he moved to the bed and sat on the edge and patted the spot next to him. "I think we should talk but I don't really know what to say."

She sat beside him thinking that she had left enough space but the bed was soft and she slid into him. A spark of electricity seemed to pass between them and they both knew that they had both felt it. Neither of them knew what to say or to do and so they sat there in awkward silence for what seemed like an eternity. Barbara was the first to recover and as she edged away from him turned to face Tommy.

"What's actually happening here?" she asked, dreading whatever the answer might be.

Tommy took a deep breath. Whatever he said now could make or break what was building between them. He reached out and took her hand. She tensed but did not try to pull away. He thought she might leap off the bed and push him away and he couldn't let that happen. "I, I'm not sure but I have fallen in love with you Barbara."

Barbara was dumbstruck. She thought instantly back to their conversation about Helen. _It was a mistake. He couldn't be in love with me. _

"No," she said evenly, "You're not in love with me. It's the same thing that happened with Helen. We are… mates. We are not destined to be lovers. We would end up hating ourselves for ruining what we have now."

"Don't say that. I have been thinking about it for days and I know it is different. I just know it."

He leant down and kissed her. His touch was so soft it was barely measurable. He kissed her again and again increasing the pressure on her lips ever so slightly each time. He wanted to devour her, to kiss her so hard that their flesh would merge but he knew that was exactly the wrong thing to do. He had hoped that she might start to kiss him back but she showed no intention of doing so. Instead she simply said, "But it can't be. I am hopeless at relationships. You don't want me." He saw the tears well in her eyes and was scared that right now she might actually hate him.

"Yes, yes I do, more than I have ever wanted anyone else in my life." She looked into his eyes and knew that was true with all the frightening implications it held. They both shivered involuntarily. He kissed her again and this time he felt her respond. He now knew she wanted this too but she was scared. Again she broke contact.

"I don't think we can. There are too many issues to think about." His answer was to kiss her again trying to erase her doubts through his actions rather than his words. His kisses were so gentle, so loving. It was exactly as she had dreamt over the years but it couldn't be real. _Tommy can't feel this way about me. I am terrible at this and if it goes any further I will only disappoint him._

"I am no good with this sort of stuff." Her voice was ragged and confused. "I don't know what I'm doing and I'll disappoint you. You need a real woman who has experience and knows how to satisfy you."

_Ah so that was it. She is scared and worried she will not be good enough for me. _

"Barbara I don't care if we never have sex." That was a lie but true enough for tonight. "I just want you. I want to hold you and I want you to hold me. Love is not just a physical thing it is much more about the mind. How we feel about each other; how we make each other feel. I want to love you Barbara and have you love me."

He felt the tenseness in her body lessen a little but he could almost hear her mind in overdrive. "Don't think about it Barbara, just follow how you feel."

She really did not know what to do or what to say. So she put her arm around his waist and without even meaning to let it slip up between his tee shirt and his skin. He groaned with pleasure and pushed her back gently onto the bed. He was kissing her again; on the lips and around her face and now down her neck. This time she gasped audibly as he nuzzled into the nape of her neck kissing, sucking and nipping slightly. He was back to her lips, his tongue seeking entry. She let her lips part slightly and then more as he explored. She had never been kissed like this before but she liked it. She had never felt so alive. She had never really felt desire before. Her chest and stomach muscles were contracting almost painfully as her nerve endings came alive to his caresses. This was almost too much to bear.

Tommy sat up and slipped out of his shirt. He wanted to feel closer to Barbara; wanted her skin on his but he knew if he tried to remove or even unbutton her pyjama top she would freeze. _How have men managed to damage you like this?_ He knew she had not slept with anyone for years but he knew she had had at least one short relationship in the past. He presumed that fool was the one who told her she was no good. He did not care whether she was a skilled lover or not. All he wanted was honesty. As long as she touched him the way she wanted to, the way she felt comfortable, that was enough for him.

Barbara began to wonder if he really wanted her after all. They must have been kissing like this for at least ten minutes and he had not made any attempt to mount her or even touch her more intimately. She always thought of sex like that – of a stallion mounting a filly for his pleasure. She hadn't really thought Tommy would be so crass but he must be reaching the point where he cannot wait and then it is going to be over before she would be able to enjoy it. She felt a tinge of disappointment. _All men must be like that._ The fantasies from her cheap romance novels were not what happened in real life.

He moved away. She wanted to scream "no don't go" but he was simply slipping off his shorts. Oh the feel of his skin as he moved back to her was wonderful and she ran her hands over his back and arms and drank in his smell. He was doing that thing to her neck again and she found her mouth free to kiss the side of his face. She ran her hand through his hair and pulled him closer.

Tommy felt her start to explore his body and knew she would now allow him the same joy. He slowly unbuttoned her shirt to expose her stomach and breasts. He groaned with absolute joy at the perfection of her. He had known for a long time that she had a wonderful figure but now that it was in front him he was in awe. He was so glad he had left the bedside light on; it highlighted her features magnificently. His kisses moved from her neck down her body and his hands were slowly discovering the firmness of her breast. Her arousal was obvious, if not from the erectness of her nipples as he gently sucked them, then from the low moans she was making.

Barbara thought she might explode. His touch was magical and she had never felt such desire. She had gripped his buttocks when he started this and she was unable to let go. He was holding himself carefully so as not to let his manhood touch her and she did not know if he was aroused of not. She wanted to touch him there, to check; to just feel it but she did not dare. She had never touched anyone like that before and was scared that if she did she would need to do something with it.

Tommy could sense that Barbara was physically ready for him but she was still holding back. "Let go Barbara" he whispered. "I'm here, you're safe, just let yourself go."

She wasn't really sure what he meant. She was responding to him now. She was touching him; she was kissing him; she was letting him do whatever he liked. She was... _oh that was so good_. He had slipped his hand down between her legs stroking the inside of her thighs. Each upwards stroke was edging closer and with his next stroke she parted her legs slightly and his hand brushed up against a part of her she never thought a man would ever touch again. This time it was Tommy's turn to moan. This went far beyond physical with him. The physical was undeniably good but she was slowly letting him peel back the barriers she had built over the years to protect her. She trusted him not to hurt her. She trusted him to love her.

The movement of his hand was exquisite. He was obviously a very skilled lover. She would never keep him satisfied, she knew that but now, tonight, it was just them. If tonight was all they ever had then she would die satisfied.

"Ohh" she heard herself cry out almost in surprise as the orgasm swept over her. She was confused. He hadn't even made any attempt to mount her. But this was so good and she felt as if she was physically falling and she lost herself in the sensation.

Tommy smiled – it seemed he had hit the spot. He wasn't just being polite. Tonight was all about Barbara. He wanted her to feel in her body and in her mind how much he really loved her. He realised that he worshipped her and she needed to know that this was real. She was calming down now. The arch in her back was softening against his hand and she seemed to be purring – actually purring. Tommy released his hand and started kissing her again – softly, slowly, lovingly.

Barbara wasn't sure what was happening. He was kissing her again and she felt her heart start to pound. This was so far beyond anything she had ever imagined and she was starting to realise what he meant about the mind being the most important part of making love. Her mind ached for him. She wanted him to invade the deepest recesses of her thoughts and to rescue her from her prison.

"Are you sure you want this?" he whispered softly in her ear.

"More than I've ever wanted anything." All her doubts were gone. They might return but at this moment she needed Tommy more than she needed to breathe. She was so absorbed by how tenderly he was kissing her that she barely noticed he was inside her. He stopped moving. He raised his head and was looking at her with such adoration that she felt all her resistance flee.

Tommy felt complete. He didn't want anything between them. He wanted to stay like this forever. He knew if he moved he would lose his self-control and he needed Barbara to understand this was him giving her everything that he had. Being as close to her as he possibly could be. As he was looking at her he was opening his soul to her and he needed her to know it was far, far beyond any physical sensations.

She could not tear her eyes away but gently started moving underneath him. He picked up the rhythm and then bent down to kiss her again. She felt full, overwhelmed but above all peaceful. How could she be here like this and feel such peace?

Tommy sensed it too. He had broken through the barriers and she was opening up to him in a way she had never opened up to anyone before. He knew too that physically she was about to climax and he knew he would not be able to hold on this time. _How could she ever have feared that she would disappoint him?_ She was the missing part of his soul. He felt whole for the first time in years. Feeling like this he could conquer the world.

"Oh Tommy, I love you."

And with those words they both surrendered to each other completely allowing their bodies and their minds to become one.


	10. Chapter 10

A few hours later Barbara woke with a longing pulling at her groin. She was on the verge of an orgasm just thinking about what had happened. She was still nestled into Tommy's arms facing him. _So this is what love feels like._

She knew her main feeling at the moment was that of physical need. The emotional side would follow, she was sure of that now, but at the moment all she wanted was his body. She wanted to know what he felt like, what he looked like and so reached down between seeking him out.

Tommy was still half asleep but could feel what she was up to. _Hmm so you want to play? _He could do that. He feigned sleep and let her explore him. She stroked him one way and seemed to almost stop breathing as he grew in her hand. She experimented with different ways to hold and stroke him until he could bear it no longer. He picked her up and rolled her on top of him laughing at the shock on her face.

"So you are feeling randy this morning are you my love?" His expression was soft and loving but had a mischievous edge to it that was not there last night. Barbara giggled her 'yes' and then bent down and kissed him; gently at first then more and more fervently. Before she knew it he was inside her again. She looked at him and he recognised the panic in her face. She had never done this before and did not know what to do. His smile reassured her.

"Just follow your feelings Barbara" he encouraged.

She did and twenty minutes later they were lying in each other's arms again, hot and sweaty but complete.

He had suggested they could stay in bed all day but both of them were hungry and knew that at some point they needed to re-join the world and drive down to Cornwall. Barbara went back to her room for a shower but Tommy decided to join her. It was the best and longest shower she had ever taken.

On the drive down they did not talk much, both lost in their thoughts about what had happened. About an hour from Howenstowe Tommy realised they needed to agree what to tell his family. Barbara had suggested that they act normally.

Tommy was astounded. "Well you don't seriously think I am just going to pretend nothing happened do you? And don't think for one minute that we could fool Mother. She will see it on our faces. Besides I don't want to pretend. I want to shout how much I love you from the rooftops!"

"I hadn't thought it through really." She wasn't really sure what to think. Things had happened so fast.

"Well we need to think about what we do. And what we do about work until we are married. In the meantime I don't want to let you out of my site for a moment Barbara."

"Married?" her voice was filled with genuine alarm. "Where did that come from? You haven't even asked me yet!"

"I'm sorry my love, I was just thinking ahead". He instantly regretted using the 'm word' so soon. Even the suggestion of telling his family had spooked her. To him it was so natural that their relationship would go there but he knew she would take some convincing. They sat in silence for a while. Barbara looked a little angry so he did not want to raise the issue again until they were almost there. A snap decision might then be the right one.

"Is it always like that?" her question was almost random.

"Is what always like what?' he replied guardedly unsure if she meant their conversations or that he had seemingly made some important decisions without consulting her. He did not want this to become another discussion about him being a control freak or not trusting her, or thinking because he was a Lord he could assume what was best for her.

"Making love." That sounded so clichéd she actually winced.

"Never!" his response was heartfelt. "I've never experienced anything so wonderful".

He looked across and smiled. The fearless Barbara of last night had vanished again and the insecure Havers was sitting next to him. He inwardly cursed that they were going to Cornwall. They needed to be together and work through what would happen next. This was so sudden neither of them was prepared.

"Me either. Last night might have been the highlight of my life." She sounded forlorn and lost.

"Well it will always be exceptionally special to both of us but I hope we can have a lot more highlights too Barbara. You make it sound as if last night was all we will ever have."

"I guess last night I told myself that if it was all we ever had it would be enough, but it won't be will it? I'll want more."

He was tempted to chuckle and be the nonchalant prig he knew she hated just to tease her but knew he needed to be serious. This was another turning point and he needed to make sure he didn't lose her. "I hope so Barbara, because I want more. I want everything. I meant what I said earlier – I want to spend the rest of my life with you. We have so many issues to consider but when you think back to how it felt last night, how it feels now, nothing is insurmountable."

She could not see how he could be right but she really hoped that he was correct. Tommy pulled the car over to the side of the road and turned off the engine. Barbara was unsure what he was doing as he got out and came around to her side of the car and opened the door. She undid her seatbelt and went to get out but he knelt down beside her and took her in his arms and held her so tightly she could barely breather. He kissed her, softly but deeply, trying to reassure her that this was all going to be fine. She relaxed a little and clung to him.


	11. Chapter 11

Dorothy, Lady Asherton, was beginning to wonder if something had happened. Tommy was normally punctual or at least he would ring to let her know he was delayed. She had been looking forward to this all week. Judith had said something might be brewing between Tommy and Barbara. She hoped he knew what he was doing. She had come to love Barbara like family after she had looked after her son when Helen died, and she did not want to see either of them hurt. About ten minutes later she heard his car coming down the drive. _About time too_.

As soon as she saw them she knew. Tommy looked the best she had seen him look in years. That was a good sign. Barbara looked embarrassed and so Dorothy went and hugged her first. "It is so good to see you Barbara, I'm so glad you came down."

"Thanks. Me too, Lady Asherton."

Tommy, Dorothy and Judith who had also come to greet them all rounded on her in unison. "It's Dorothy, Barbara."

"Thank you … Dorothy."

"Tommy you look marvellous." Dorothy moved over and hugged her son. They had not been close for years but it was improving. To her surprise Tommy hugged her earnestly and with a love she had not felt from him in years. So he _was_ in love.

"You too, Mother."

"Come inside and we'll settle you in." She said leading the party inside.

Tommy lagged a little getting the luggage from the boot of the car. As he came in he thought now was the best time for it. "I'll just take this up to our room. Be right back."

'Our room' he had said. Barbara flashed her best "I am going to kill you now" look at him before glancing at his sister and mother. Judith was actually smirking but Dorothy was completely impassive, accepting it as if it was the most natural statement in the world.

"Would you like some tea Barbara, after your long drive?"

Barbara nodded and Dorothy disappeared to fetch it with Judith trailing along behind. They had gone to gossip Barbara was sure. She would kill Tommy when he came down.

Hours later Tommy grinned and said, "See, it is much better to share a room than be by yourself in the guest room isn't it?"

They had just made love again despite her protests that the family might hear them. She nodded in agreement but still hadn't forgiven him even though his family seemed genuinely delighted for them. "Will I ever be accepted by your lot?"

"What the family? They love you Barbara."

"No, no not your family - your friends and social circle. All the people you need to deal with as Earl of this place."

"Who cares?" His voice was flat but he meant it and he leaned up on his elbow to look her in the eyes. "I would give all of this up tomorrow if it came between us Barbara."

"No, you won't. It is part of who you are Tommy. I never thought I would say it but it is part of what I love about you."

"So you do love me then?" He was getting playful and cheeky.

"Of course I do. How could you doubt it?"

'I never could Barbara." He was suddenly very serious. "This isn't how I planned it. I was going to ask you tomorrow in some romantic place on the cliff overlooking the water, but Barbara Havers will you agree to be my wife?"

"Yes." Barbara heard the answer come from somewhere deep inside her before she had even really thought about the question.

He kissed her again, as tenderly as he had the very first time. They held each other close looking into each other's eyes knowing that inside that look two broken people had merged into one living whole.


End file.
